Open-Handed

I have sung songs;
prayed prayers;
made statements;
concerning surrender
Yielding fully to God was something I desired more than anything.
In part, I had "done it".
But, underneath was an awareness that there was a white-knuckled holding on - grimly, fearfully.
I didn't know what was holding on;
I didn't know what it was holding on to;
and I didn't know why it was holding on.
There was always this deep knowledge that the very thing I thought I wanted to do more than anything - to that very thing there was an inward resistence.


I have some answers, at last.
And like all the lies we believe, once they are exposed to the light, it is easy to see how ridiculous they are.
I realised that at some level, I had believed that if I fully yielded to God,
my life would become rushed, busy, noisy with lots of talk-talk, meetings, appointments, no quiet, no space, no solitude.
Everything that is hard for me.
So I held on to my loved life-style, in the same way a child who is offered a $1000 note clutches on to her shiny cent piece.

At that same level,

I had also believed that a fully surrendered life was too hard for me, too holy for me, too high for me.

That I would never be able to live it.
If we want truth, we look at Jesus.
He lived His earthly life totally surrendered to His Father.
His life didn't look anything like my imaginings.
In fact, the complete opposite.
And, about it being too hard?
Well, ja-hah!
ALL of the Christian life is too hard for us to live: we've only got to read The Sermon on the Mount to get that.
That's why He lives His life in us, through us -
To the degree we will allow Him to.


So now I say YES to Him
Now I can open the white knuckled grip.


I don't know how He is going to work it out in my life but I am just going to live
And watch what He does.
The great adventure rolls on . . .